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You just can’t make this stuff up

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By John Pawlak

As the new year begins, I can’t help but take a look back and gaze at the wonders of the year past.
By “wonders,” I mean that I can’t help wondering how civilization survived another year of its continuing bizarre behavior.
For instance, the Pepsi company almost succeeded in destroying life as we know it by test marketing a Doritos flavored soda. What says “I’ve lost what little mind I have” better than saying it with a mouthful of fizzy Doritos?
Not to be outdone on the stupidity meter, James Manning, pseudo-pastor of the ATLAH “church” accused Starbucks of flavoring its lattes with the “seeds of sodomites.”  Actually, I think they only do that with the Frappuccinos.
Yes, 2014 was a good year. A company released a kiddie coloring book featuring Ted Cruz fighting off serpents (Obamacare and social programs), flying on the back of eagles (defending the Second Amendment and the rights of firearm manufacturers), and various pages designed to give the children nightmares (images of Palin, Beck and Bachmann).
The publisher originally wanted to make it a “color by numbers” book, but Cruz had trouble with the double digits.
Elsewhere, a growing fad in 2014 was going viral as people had started tattooing and piercing their pets. Do nose rings really make a bulldog that much more attractive?
In India, a Bollywood-style film was aired featuring a dancing Mr. Poo to teach young children how to use the toilet. Nice to know you can teach kids to do it to music.
In Japan, hospitals have introduced hands-free automated sperm extractors.
One would expect the natural progression of this technology to provide this service next to ATMs for nighttime deposits, but there’s no discussion yet on how one makes withdrawals.
The Earth sustained yet another “World Naked Bike Ride” event, hosted in London, Guadalajara, and several other major cities, during which tens of thousands of people rode their bicycles naked. And in New York City, an exercise studio began offering co-ed naked yoga courses. It gives new meaning to the Ardha Chandrasana (the Half Moon Pose).
Around mid-year, Jesus abandoned his usual pattern of appearing in used enchilada pans and made surprise appearances in a burnt pierogi, a rotting banana peel and a discarded Marmite lid.
My wife and I once thought we saw his image in a crusted jar of kimchi, but it turned out to be Jeff Bridges with a bad haircut.
A French scientist has invented a pill that makes flatulence smell like chocolate. In the future, people in an elevator will be asking, “OK, who ate KitKat bars for lunch?”
Come October, we saw an onslaught of sexy Halloween costumes that strained both the imagination and the eyes.
The “Sexy Kermit the Frog” and “Sexy Scooby Doo” costumes were bad enough, but it was the “Sexy Osama Bin Laden” costume, which I viewed as hitting the bottom of the taste barrel. But then came the “Sexy Ebola Nurse” costume.
With the year nearing an end, the Elf on a Shelf became “the new American tradition,” inundating Facebook pages with fairly creative, albeit sometimes physically impossible, poses of rancid elfs putting a whole new spin on holiday activities.
Quite frankly, I was rather impressed what one can do with an elf, a marshmallow peep, and a bag of miniature Hershey Kisses.
For shoppers desperately searching for that “special Christmas gift” for the niece who has everything, there was the Lalaloopsy Diaper Surprise doll that when fed water would have its diaper change colors as it got wet and would “excrete” magical charms. The lucky child could then wear the charms on a bracelet to show off her body waste jewelry. What more could a little girl ask for?
And Ohio witnessed an uproar over a homeowner’s lawn display of a zombie nativity scene.
As the year drew to an end, there was just enough time for a little more insanity as the President of Argentina adopted a young boy as her godson to “prevent the boy from turning into a werewolf.” Seriously, you can’t make this stuff up!
Goodbye 2014.  We’re going to miss you!