Tracking politics

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By John Pawlak

Dear Editor,

As he enters her motel room, background music starts to play. He slowly approaches the bathroom door, and the music sings, “Rubby ducky, you’re so fine! And I’m lucky that you’re mine.” He enters the bathroom, lifting the knife high. “Rubby ducky, I’m awfully fond of you.” He jerks back the shower curtain. “Every day when I make my way to the tubby.” He begins to slash her, the blood splattering everywhere. “ I find a little fella who’s cute and yellow and chubby!” She screams and crumples to the floor. “Rubber ducky, I’m awfully fond of you.” The camera pans to the shower drain as the blood slowly swirls about.It just doesn’t work, does it? That’s the whole point of soundtracks. Soundtracks set the mood. How would we know when to cringe without that fateful “Dum dum dum DUM dum dum dum DUM” as the shark approaches? Soundtracks tell us when to laugh, when to cry, when to shiver, when to sigh.Now, I’ve had a problem lately with all the political commercials, interviews, debates and speeches. They all seem to be missing something. And then it hit me! A laugh track! Yeah, that’s what we need. A good laugh track. Seriously, consider the following speeches. These are so much more digestible with the proper setting.CLINTON: “I’m going to New Hampshire, and I’m going to tell them the truth!” (audience chuckles) “Consider my experience. I think that my experience is unique!” (audience laughs loudly ... very loudly) MCCAIN: “I would try to reduce or even do away with overtime the influence of special interests here in Washington.” (long audience laughter, cackling, shrill laughter) EDWARDS: “Corporate greed has got a stranglehold on America!” (laughter and snickering) “I want to be a champion for the people.” (loud and long laughter)And in response to his five sons not joining the military ...ROMNEY: “My sons are serving their country by helping me to get elected” (chortling and extreme laughter)Yeah, I like it. It fits. It almost makes it possible to listen to these bozos and not upchuck on my television set. Now, maybe we should bring back the “Dum dum dum DUM dum dum dum DUM” for Giuliani’s next speech?John PawlakWhite Rock