Opinions from the void

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By John Pawlak

 Recently, Vivienne Westwood (English fashion designer and fizzy soda expert) made headlines when she criticized First Lady Michelle Obama’s wardrobe choices.  During an interview with the New York Times, the reporter commented on how nice it is that Michelle recycles her clothes.  Westwood said, “Don’t talk about her.  It’s dreadful what she wears.”
 Alright, let’s see a show of hands.  Who gives a muroidea’s gluteus maximus what Vivienne Westwood thinks about who wears what?  Prior to reading the interview, I had never even heard of her.  I then made the mistake of Google searching to see what type of style clothing she designs.
 I’ve seen better designs on road kill.
 So what does Katy Perry think about the Pope resigning?  Does Tom Cruise have advice on how to handle urban blight?  I heard that Yo Yo Ma think it’s a good time to invest in New England real estate!
 Why are so many people insanely interested in the opinions of fashion designers, sports stars, TV celebrities, movie stars, and rock singers?  Have we de-evolved so far that we need Rosanne Barr’s guidance on what makes a good marriage?
 Dennis Rodman is the latest iconic idiot to make the news by spewing opinions on what President Obama should do in response to North Korea’s efforts to join the nuclear club.  He says Kim Jong is “an awesome guy” and “my good friend.”  Rodman suggests that President Obama should give him a call.
 Yeah.  Maybe hang out and have a few beers.  Play a game of pool, shoot some darts.  Get to know Kim as the cool dude he is.
 Rodman giving advice on how to stem nuclear proliferation?  What this reject from a circus freak show knows about international diplomacy could be encapsulated in a mongoose’s pimple.  But all he has to do is start talking about politics and people come running.  I wouldn’t pay this guy a nickel for consultation on how to unclog a toilet.
 Gene Simmons (tongue waving extraordinaire of KISS) made the news last year when he publicly supported Mitt Romney for President.  Other than hot tips on makeup techniques, what could Gene really offer?  Still, people did listen to him.
 Why?  Because of his fantastic complexion?
 Whether it’s Clint Eastwood talking to empty chairs or The Dixie Chicks talking from empty heads, the media drowns us in celebrity wisdom.
 Michael Jordan tells us what underwear we should buy.  So should buy his advice?  Well, given Jordan’s gambling scandals, I wouldn’t bet on it.
 Justin Bieber preaches abstinence.  Maybe he should stop writing lyrics like “I know what I want, I know what I want, yeah. I’m coming for ya.  We’re young tonight and I’m coming for ya!”
 Mike Tyson gives out financial advice.  After netting $300 million for bludgeoning his opponents, he filed for bankruptcy.  Who better to tell your how to invest your money?
 Bristol Palin ran the lecture circuit getting paid to preach abstinence.  I guess she missed one of those lectures?
 Henry Winkler hawking reverse mortgages.  Montel Williams pimping high interest Payday loans.  Betty White charming you to sell your life insurance policies (viatical settlements).  Hulk Hogan body slamming you with advice to go to Rent a Center.
 So when did this all start?  Was it the Wheaties “Breakfast of Champions” campaign that first convinced us that someone who knows how to throw a javelin is the best person to tell us what to eat?
 What’s next?  Small business advice from Michael Vick?  Maybe something to do with dogs?
 Fashion advice from Honey Boo Boo’s family?  Dating advice from Arnold Schwarzenegger?  Dieting recipes from Ann Coulter?  Parenting advice from Ted Nugent?  Hair treatment tips from Joan Rivers?
 Rivers should limit her advice to explaining how you can use multiple plastic surgeries to turn yourself into a ferret.
 Well, I suppose I can see the fascination with some celebrities.  For me, it’s police shows.
 This country has a real problem with drunk drivers and we need someone with solid law enforcement experience to advise us on how to handle it.  Barney!  Anyone know where Barney is?
 Damn, where’s Don Knotts when we need him?