An apology to the dittos

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By John Pawlak


 Recently, I found myself in the uncomfortable position of having to admit that I’m wrong.  I was accused of misrepresenting the NRA and yes, I did exactly that.

 I erroneously accused Wacky Wayne of being, well, wacky.  That he’s an idiot and didn’t know what he was saying.  I misrepresented the NRA as an organization of fools who don’t know shootola from shinola.

 I was wrong.  The NRA knows exactly what it’s doing.  They’re selling a product and they’re really good at it.

 And I have to thank my new best friend, Skippy, for setting me straight.  I now see the infinite wisdom of arming teachers.  

The only thing that will stop a bad guy with a gun is a good guy with a gun.

 And the best thing to stop a bad guy with a big gun is a good guy with a bigger gun.  

 How big of a gun, you ask?  These “shoot first and think never” space cadets want me to have a nuclear weapon in my classroom.

 Really?  Well, in a 2003 interview with Mother Jones, a training manager for Protection Technology Los Alamos explained why we need nuclear weapons.  The trainer said, “A nuclear weapon is just a big gun.  That’s all it is.”

 Well shoot!  (no gun pun intended)  If I’m going to be armed against the evil forces of Azrael, I’m not about to settle for some pansy wansy GAU-8 Avenger 30mm hydraulic-driven seven barrel rotary gun cannon.  

Sure, that might be the NRA recommended defensive weapon of choice for hunting pheasants, but if I’m going to keep my classroom safe, I’m not about to bring a knife to a gun fight.

 My eyes have skipped open to the evils I must combat for me to effectively teach students how to factor polynomials.  I need a big gun!

 You can’t argue this logic.  The NRA knows more about education than the rest of us and it’s our patriotic duty to skip to the gun store and buy as many 50-round clips as we can carry.

 And we need to address other classroom dangers.  Gun advocates point out that cars cause more deaths than guns.  Applying LaWacko’s wisdom, the only way to stop a bad guy with a car is a good guy with a bigger car.

 I still haven’t figured out how to get an M-60 equipped Humvee into my classroom, but I’m working on it.

 Now, when I started writing this week’s column, I was going to waste time talking about meaningless statistics, like the 1,831 firearm related deaths that have occurred since the Newtown “mishap”.

 I was going to point out that the NRA’s LaMouthpiece had, back in 1999, strongly advocated universal background checks for all firearm sales.

 I was going to talk about the NRA’s “enemy list” (a compilation of evil organizations on NRA’s website) which enumerates dangerous immoral entities such as the AARP, Presbyterian Church USA, Episcopal Church USA, US Catholic Conference, United Methodist Church, Unitarian Universalist Association, United Synagogues of America, American Academy of Pediatrics, YWCA, Children’s Defense Fund, Child Welfare League, Gray Panthers - well, you get the idea.

 But why confuse the issue with facts?

 The NRA is good at selling and I’m buying!  Fear for sale! They dish it out, skip around the facts, and we swallow the nidorous logic of mindless  apprehension.  Sprinkled with a perilous spice of street roving terrorist criminal gangs, they’ve packaged up one bang of a product!

 Truth be told, I am very concerned for the safety of my students.  I want them to learn in a safe and sane environment.  

 So maybe I’m wrong again?  Maybe I shouldn’t buy this vomitous rhetoric?   

Those who dance and skip to LaLulu while sporting a PP-19-01 Vityaz parabellum automatic are risking serious harm to their necks from all that ditto-head nodding.  

 Perhaps my first priority should be to keep protection “technologists” from skipping into my classroom and spouting medieval LaLogic.

 The only thing that can stop a wacko with a gun is person with a brain.

 Which means, of course, we won’t be seeing much change in the NRA anytime soon.