Android Adorations Anonymous

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Bill’s passage would set groundwork for peculiar union

By John Pawlak

The alarm clock is screaming and once again you fall out of bed, the cold floor reminding you that your eyes may be closed but you are unfortunately awake.  
It’s morning and a pile of unprocessed paperwork is anxiously waiting for you at the office, or perhaps a hot stove, or maybe a quiet machine shop — soon to become quite noisy.  
It’s a work day and as they say — some one’s gotta make the donuts!
Now, how many people really love to go to work in the morning?  I’m not asking if someone merely tolerates their job.  I mean, how many of us truly love the work we do? How many people go through the workday and find themselves thinking, “I couldn’t be happier if I were a mushroom in a shady cow barn?”
Of course, exactly how happy mushrooms are could be a subject of debate.  Then again, they do seem to have a lot of fungi.
My point is though, how many of us get to do what we really love?  
Well, call me crazy (but don’t call me Ismael), but I really do love my job.  This hasn’t always been the case and looking back, I sometimes regret not going into teaching earlier in life.  
Working in corporate America is enough reason for anyone to hate waking up in the morning.  For me, it was that combined with waking in New Jersey.  There’s only so much a person can take.
 Now don’t get me wrong.  If I had to do it all over again, I wouldn’t change a thing.  I’ve watched enough Star Trek episodes to know the terrible risks if I intentionally altered my time line.And speaking of Star Trek, this brings me to a man who does seem to love his work.
Robert Broadus, a man with a vision. A man with a message.  A man who obviously chewed on too many paint chips as a child.
Broadus heads the NOM (National Organization for Marriage) and is leading the battle for truth, justice and the banning of same gender marriage in Maryland.  Hmmm, if they don’t let you get married there, shouldn’t it be called Cantmarryland? Anyway, Broadus proudly represented the bagger’s single-digit mentality when he stood up in a courtroom and denounced Senate Bill 166, which would allow same gender marriage.  He said (and you just can’t make this stuff up), “If you pass this bill, you’ll be setting the groundwork for people to marry androids.”  
Yes, he then cited Data, the android on Star Trek, as evidence of the horrible future that awaits us.  He even related Data’s ability to cry as evidence that androids could feel emotion and that it’s only a matter of time before our spouses start having affairs with them.
And all this time, I thought R2D2 was just being cute.  I didn’t realize that the little cylindrical cretin was trying to woo away my wife!  Get back, Satan!  Back to the titanium mines from which you were hammered out!
So anyway, here’s a guy who really does love his job. Promoting the moralities of marriage is a great way to advance one’s political career.
Given his moral platitudes, he might want to explain why he divorced his wife.  Maybe he found out she was an android.
On his website, Broadus cites Kool Moe Dee (rapper), Bob Marley (pot-head extraordinaire), and Malcolm X as examples of conservative values.  
Oh, and the picture of Malcolm X is one in which he’s holding an assault rifle with a 30-round clip.  I do love those conservative values.
But I never knew politics could be that much fun.  Teaching is okay, but I’ve got to give some serious thought to running on Broadus’ bandwagon.
 I’m obviously adept at mindless ranting, so why not get paid for it?
After all, someone has to speak out against the terrors of allowing the Jetson’s household robot, Rosie, into the social scene.  I bet she’d be a real hit on the computer dating network.
 John Pawlak
 Los Alamos Columnist