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You might be a New Mexican ...

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By Kay Kerbyson

This week we take a break from politics, pay-to-play and pocketbook issues to celebrate all things New Mexican. With a tip of the hat to comedian Jeff Foxworthy ...

If your good jeans are the ones you wear to church, funerals or the Santa Fe Opera, you must be a New Mexican.

If linguists, anthropologists and historians appear at the door to visit with grandpa or grandma, you must be a New Mexican.

If you’ve ever voted for a politician named Jack Daniels, Johnnie Walker or Jose Cuervo, you’re definitely a New Mexican.

If your mama said you’d never find a husband if you didn’t learn to make tortillas, you could be a New Mexican.

If you live near any alien landing sites, you might be a New Mexican. But then again, maybe you’re just passing as a New Mexican.

If you wear shorts all year long, even when it’s cold, you could be a New Mexican.

If your yard art is a bathtub shrine, a wagon wheel, a mine car, farm implements or a pump, you might be a New Mexican. If it’s a chainsaw bear, you must live in Ruidoso.

If you don’t own a tie, or the one tie you own is parked on a door knob in the office – in case of surprise visits by the boss – you might be a New Mexican. If you think the only proper neckwear is a bolo tie, you’re a New Mexican.

If you’re female and you can back up a truck with a horse trailer hitched up, if you can drive a tractor or a backhoe, you must be a New Mexican. If you can do all that with perfect hair and makeup, you live on the East Side.

If you’ve had to take out a second mortgage to finance your daughter’s quinceañera, you might be a New Mexican.

If you think duct tape is for dummies because you actually know how to fix things, you might be a New Mexican.

If you’ve ever competed in a lizard race, a duck race or a cow chip throwing contest, you might be a New Mexican.

If your bank account is hanging around your neck in turquoise jewelry, if the only jewelry you own is turquoise, you could be a New Mexican.

If you’ve ever spent $40 to send $10 worth of chile and pinto beans to a loved one overseas, you must be a New Mexican.

If you don’t know anybody named Bubba but lots of guys named Chuey, you might be a New Mexican.

If you like to see horizons and find thick stands of trees claustrophobic, you might be a New Mexican.

If your landscaping includes a toilet planter or two, you must live in Socorro.

If you’ve ever incorporated bed springs, pallets, lumber yard slash or corrugated steel into a fence, you must be a New Mexican. If you have four cars in the driveway, and at least one is driveable, you must be a New Mexican.

If you use a drill bit for a door stop, you must live in Hobbs. Or Farmington.

If your ancestors have been here for 200 years and your neighbors still think you’re a newcomer, you must be a New Mexican.

If you can stand in the checkout line at the grocery store and hear at least three languages, you might be a New Mexican. If you can hear four languages, you must live in Gallup.

If you throw a casual family gathering and 45 people show up, and most of them live within a few miles, you must be a New Mexican.

If your lawn furniture includes a cable spool or car seats, you could be a New Mexican.

If you’ve made a tumbleweed snowman or decorated the cholla and cactus in your yard, you could be a New Mexican.

Happy Holidays, readers!

© New Mexico News Services 2009