A tribute to fracking oil companies

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By John Pawlak

I really do love finding reasons to admire people. And I love even more learning new ways to publicly applaud them.
Marita Noon’s column (Jan. 4) did just that. Her educating us on the benefits and safety of fracking, was both heartwarming and inspiring.
I’ve never felt so moved. Honestly, it moved me in more ways than one.
That being said, I want to publicly state that she has my total and unwavering support in this matter. I love that fact that progressive thinkers like her are out there fracking away with impunity.
Noon’s article was about how the fracking oil companies are our fracking friends.
To put this in proper perspective, I first want to emphasize that the word ‘frack’ and all its grammatical constructions now hold a special place in my vernacular. When I say frack, I mean it in the best possible way you can imagine.
What better way to compliment someone than by using “frack” to emphasize your admiration?
You’re fracking wonderful. You’re fracking remarkable.
In a word, Marita, you are a fracker extraordinaire!
Yes, Marita is a real fracker if I ever met one. She’s executive director of “Energy Makes America Great,” the advocacy arm of CARE (Citizens’ Alliance for Responsible Energy), a “public charity” that lobbies to educate people on the need for more fracking oil.
Now, don’t let that reptilian expression mislead you. Behind those anaerobic eyes and peccant smile lies the warm heart of a galvanized true-blue American, committed to making life better for shale smashers and proprietary chemical manufacturers.
Noon and her fracking friends are working hard to protect us from nature-loving, ecofascist, Che-worshiping Nazis who are plotting to use neo-green eugenics to subvert natural law and bring victory to the dark forces of green thinkers.
Lest you think I’m exaggerating, consider the following fracking fact. Back in 1974, freedom hating lizard people (mutants who breed in moldy caves) instituted the “Safe Drinking Water Act,” purportedly defined to set standards for drinking water quality, but in actuality a communistic conspiracy to stop fun loving people from fracking in public.
Yeah, clean water. What sadistic perverts came up with this insanity? Thankfully, the Energy Policy Act of 2005 was amended (under the political leadership of frackers like Noon) to exempt hydraulic fracturing from the SDW Act.
I mean, seriously, who wants safe water? Energy! Energy! It’s energy we need!
And now, backed by a myriad of fracking politicians whose campaigns are funded by fracking businesses, we can frack often and frack proudly.
It’s about fracking time someone stood up for our fracking rights!
The history of fracking goes back to the 1940s when Halliburton patented the HydraFrac process. These frackers led the way for energy companies to make unbelievable fracking profits never dreamed of before.
But freedom hating zombies have amassed public sympathy by claiming that fracking is dangerous. The organizations that are trying to thwart our efforts to frack our environment are in fact dangerous extremists. Laws are being passed (funded by our fracking friends like Halliburton) to categorize anti-fracking activism as “domestic terrorism.”
Seriously, what’s the big fracking deal? As Noon points out in her writings, the “so-called chemicals” used in the so-called drilling process left in the so-called water tables pose no fracking danger to the so-called people who have so-called flammable water coming out their so-called kitchen faucets.
I’m just happy that we have a fracked up person like Noon to state the fracking truth in plain fracking English.
Fracking is as safe as coal mining (given a bad name by a few people who “might” have died from black lung disease) and nuclear power stations (yeah, yeah, so people get their knickers in a knot over a few meltdowns now and then).
And I’m sure that given the opportunity, Noon and her fracking friends would gladly drink that fracking water. After all, it’s fracking safe!
Look people, get it through your fracking heads. There’s nothing wrong with fracking!
Once again, thank you, Marita! Your continued efforts to frack America are truly appreciated.