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Whatever happened to good comedy, or drama, or mystery?
Did all the talented script writers have their jobs outsourced to sheep herders living in a yurt out in the Russian tundra?
A cursory glance at television schedules today can serve you well if you happen to need a colonoscopy test prep.
First of all, let’s admit that we all love useless contraptions.
You know, like that USB-enabled combination shower head coffee filter you got for Christmas?
Or that solar powered meat thermometer. And what about all the attention from women we now get ever since we started spray painting our heads with Ronco’s bald spot remover?
But what we really love, I mean really, really love, is having some annoying moron screaming at us at the top of his lungs, telling us what new gadget we can buy (but only if you call in the next 20 minutes!).
And so they created a reality show (“Pitchmen”) to glamorize the life of these winded cretins.
Well, for my money, I’ve never found it necessary to super-glue my head to the ceiling (but I know where to buy the stuff if I ever need to do that).
It gets worse. Fortunately for my digestive system, I’ve never watched Bridezillas.
The commercials are bad enough. Are people really entertained by loud mouthed narcissistic spoiled brats cursing and kicking over tables because “their special day” was ruined by someone who didn’t kiss their sweaty feet?
Can we sink any lower than to put these self-absorbed dung beetles center stage?
Another truly disgusting show is Toddlers and Tiaras.
You get to watch a bunch of depraved mothers practice institutionalized child abuse by dressing their young daughters up for the pedophiliac audience.
The mothers mimic the dance steps and mouth the words as their six-year-old daughters strut their stuff, adorned with fake eyelashes, rouge, earrings and lipstick.
Then there’s one that’s close to my heart - the reality show Jersey Shore. Why go to college and get a job, contribute to society, build bridges, teach children, practice medicine, or do anything useful?
No, just act slutty and curse every other word and you’re a star!
The teen icon of these gutter dwellers is a trampish sewer-mouth nicknamed Snooki.
She’s disgusting to the twelfth power and making tons of money. Snooki was paid $32,000 to speak at Rutgers University - (Toni Morrison, Nobel prize winner for literature, was paid $30,000 to give the commencement speech.) Snooki’s $32,000 advice to the students - “Study hard, but party harder!”
Reality makes me sick.
The big screen follows the same trend as television with a steady stream of grade-Z movies to choose from.
Traversing the list of bad movies requires one to study Calculus to interpret the divergence of the infinite sequence of bad bad bad bad bad.
“Big Mommas, Like Father Like Son” carries on the tradition of putrid humor, sordid plots, and horrendous acting.
Watching drunk alcoholics in “Hangover” was so much fun that it was a moral imperative to produce “Hangover II”.
And then there’s the Olympic gold medal of bad acting, bad writing, and bad taste. “30 Minutes or Less” is a “comedy” about bank robbers who strap a bomb onto someone and tell him that he has to rob the bank in 30 minutes or get blown up.
Who says you can’t make jokes about terrorism?
But the worst of the worst, the truly baddest of bad, stinkest of stink, has to be the award winning TV series “Breaking Bad.”
The “hero” of this show is an out-of-work chemistry teacher who decides to make meth to support his family.
Yes, in the real world, meth ruins lives, torments families and kills its user
But this is entertainment and we love Walter and his funny little sidekick, Jesse. Walter captured our hearts as he fought cancer and sold his drugs to children.
We are thoroughly entertained as he widens his distribution and enjoys the well-deserved fruits of his labor.
I would have never guessed that it was possible, but I now wish that they’d bring back “I Love Lucy.”
Los Alamos Columnist