Pig Olympics takes center stage

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By John Pawlak

 The Sport-Pig Federation runs the “Pig Olympics.”  Piglets compete in three events; track, swimming, and football.  Since they push the ball around with their noses, maybe it’s more accurately “snoutball”.
 Whether one is trying to break the record for a cowchip toss or a wife-calling “Soo-ey!”, people love watching competitions.
  Finland recently hosted the 17th annual Wife Carrying World Championship games.  One might have expected more husbands to compete, but the rules are very strict.  You have to carry your own wife.
  Beaver, Okla., proudly touts itself as “Cow chip throwing capital of the world” and runs its chip tossing contest every April.  But if hurling dehydrated fecal patties isn’t your cup of tea (trust me, you really want to avoid mixing water with these things), you could travel to Savonlinna, Finland for the annual Cell Phone Throwing Contest.  
 Cell phone Olympians are judged not only on distance, but on style (aesthetics and choreography).  The record is over 95 feet.  I wonder, if you throw an iPhone, does it become a Frisbee?
 What makes these competitions so much fun?  For me, it’s fun watching people have fun.  Sure, the tuna tossing competition in Australia is just plain silly.
  But it’s fun.
  Of course, if you’re not into having fun, you can always watch The Olympics.”
  The Summer Olympics opened today in London.  For 16 days, we’ll be inundated with commercials from “proud sponsors” supporting the Olympics.
  The Diving Competition is proudly brought to you by Friends of Frackers, Inc., supplying you with “clean energy” and supplying the Olympics with proprietary water. But uh, we don’t recommend drinking the water.
  The Shooting Competition is proudly sponsored by the NRA.  The Olympians will be supplied with the 5.56 45mm Heckler Koch MG4 MG 43 machine gun equipped with the D-740 Gen 3 night vision scope.
  Seriously, what ever happened to these games?  As a kid, I remember watching people run and jump, ski and skate, dive and swim.
  What do people get to watch now?  Synchronized swimming?  Hoops and ribbons?  Table tennis?  Baseball?  
  Baseball?  How would the ancient Greeks have scored spitting tobacco and scratching itches in public?
  Hoops and ribbons passed off as a “sport” don’t really bother me.  What I hate about the Olympics isn’t what it takes to win, but rather what it means to lose.
  If you come in first, you win!  Everyone else is a loser.  Loser, loser, big fat loser!  They should just give out gold and gray medals.  A gold medal for the winner and a gray piece of cow dung (excess remnants from last year’s tossing competition) for all the losers.
  You would think it would be fun to just, well you know, have some fun?  Maybe let the athletes strut their stuff, throw things around (like shot puts, discs, cow chips, other people), jump over things (like pole vaults, hurdles, other people), swim a few laps, lift some weights, run around in circles and sweat a lot?
  (Speaking of running, what’s with these foot races I hear about?  Seriously, how long can it take to run a foot?)
  I think what makes competitions fun is just watching people perform their best.  Sure, there’s always a winner, but aren’t they all winners?  How can you call someone who jumps 28 feet 2 inches a loser simply because someone else jumped 28 feet 3 inches?
  Michael Phelps beat Milorad Cavic in the 100-meter butterfly by 1/100th of a second.  So Phelps won.  Cavic lost.  I read reports of Serbian news criticizing Cavic for the loss.  If he had really loved his country, he would have swum harder!
  Now, don’t think that this manic obsession to win is limited to other countries.  I’ve lost count of how many times US Olympians were denounced for “only winning the Silver.”
  A common quote you hear is “If you come in second, you’re just the first to lose.”
  Myself, I would rather watch the Pig Olympics.  Everyone is a winner (none of the pigs get eaten) and it’s just plain fun.
  But with billions of dollars of advertizing money at stake, I doubt the Olympic Committee really cares about having fun.
  John Pawlak
 Los Alamos Columnist