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I'm dreaming of a white Santa

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By John Pawlak

Well, another Christmas come and gone. Insanely long lines of people waiting for stores to open so they could buy the Santa-butt neck pillow have been replaced with insanely long lines of people waiting for the exchange window to open so they could return the Santa-butt neck pillow they received as a gift.
Christmas, as we know it, began when the church adopted the annual festival of Saturn (“Birthday of the Unconquerable Sun”) and declared Dec. 25 to be the birthday of Jesus.
Saturnalia was quite the celebration back then. For a week, Roman authorities would discard law and order, punishing no one for theft, rape, damaging of property and other fun holiday activities. One “honored” person would be declared “Lord of Misrule,” forced to gorge himself on rich foods and engage in physical pleasures for the week and then murdered as a sacrifice to Saturn.
The holiday’s intent was to commemorate the return of light (Winter Solstice). The mayhem and sex and murder were added just to make the week more fun.
Today, the holiday is a time for quiet family dinners, solemn religious observances, and frantic ripping open of packages to see what Uncle Bob got you for Christmas. (Damn it! He got me a Santa-butt neck pillow!)
It’s a religious holiday, but the main focus seems to be on some fat guy who sneaks downs chimneys at night to leave presents for good little boys and girls.
Santa Claus. You know, the guy who knows when your kids are sleeping? Personally, I find that a little freaky.
As a child, I knew the songs about his reindeer, his sled, his fat jelly belly, his elves making toys, and of course that Santa was white.
Yeah, lily white. Who in their right mind would envision an Aboriginal Santa? Or an Asian one? Or one with a Spanish accent?
People have argued Santa’s ethnicity for decades, but in today’s more enlightened and tolerant society, no one really cares about Santa’s skin tone, right?
Enlightened and tolerant? What have I been drinking lately?
Apparently, this debate has been settled once and for all by the renowned historian Megyn Kelly, who earlier this month stated for the record that Santa is in fact white. Later, she appeared on the “Tonight Show” and said, “I’m a straight news anchor. I’m not one of those opinion hosts. The way we do it on Fox News is the straight news. Anchors like us give a hard time to both sides.”
Well, I’m happy that Megyn was willing to step up to the plate and give us all a hard time on such a socially pressing issue as the skin color of Santa Claus. I hear that come next April, she’ll be testifying on the genealogy of the Easter Bunny.
But I hope she doesn’t broach the tooth fairy issue. I’ve always held to the belief that the tooth fairy is a genetic cousin of Big Foot, and I’ll be damned if some historian claims otherwise.
Megyn then went on to argue that Jesus was white. She said, “Jesus was a white man, too. It’s like we have, he’s a historical figure that’s a verifiable fact, as is Santa.”
Of course, she’s right about the verifiable part. She even had Polaroids of Santa and Jesus vacationing in Acapulco. Yeah, the pictures were a little fuzzy and kind of looked like Rob Kardashian and Joe Gannascoli, but they’re most definitely white.
It takes real courage for a news anchor to tackle these tough issues. Most news anchors take the easy road and report on homelessness, civil unrest in Bangladesh, terrorist attacks in Afghanistan, environmental concerns over fracking, the threat of nuclear proliferation, domestic violence, healthcare, assisted suicide, gang violence, poverty — you know, the things that don’t really matter.
Kudos to Kelly for speaking out on what needs to be discussed!
But I have to admit, I still have some nagging doubts about the fat guy. So I’ve decided to check it out for myself next year.
 The question is — do they still make Polaroid cameras?