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But I digress: Can you hear me crashing now?

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By John Pawlak

I sometimes wonder if scientists have ever computed the density of stupid.

Lead is fairly dense and yet it is only half as dense as the metal osmium. Platinum, gold and mercury are pretty dense also. Mercury is so dense that lead will float on it.

But stupid has to be the densest element by far. It never ceases to amaze me how much stupid some people can stuff into such small heads.

What brought on this rant? Well golly, it could be so many things.

Perhaps it was the kids I saw skateboarding while wearing helmets. Yes, their helmets provided wonderful protection as they were skateboarding right down the middle of the street.

Maybe it was the guy I saw driving down the street with a cell phone in one hand and a cup of coffee in the other. What he was using to steer, I won’t even try to guess.

Or who knows? It could have been the guy I saw working on his gutters, using a corded electric power drill ... in the rain.

Anyone who thinks that negative numbers have no applications in the real world has never considered the intelligence of some of the people who live among us.

Consider the following examples. Three guys are driving down the road with a sofa on top of the car. The sofa is not tied down. Instead, two of the guys are hanging out the window holding onto the sofa to keep it in place. Even worse, the driver is using one hand to talk on his cell phone.

A woman is walking down the side of the road (with traffic, not against it) pushing a baby carriage. She is also walking a dog — a rather large dog —  and since she wants to make sure that the dog is safe, the dog is on a leash. Yeah, you guessed it. The leash is tied to the baby carriage. And yes, despite the odds against it being any worse, she was talking on a cell phone!

Finally, the pièces de résistance ... a guy is driving down the road hunched over, barely able to look over the dashboard. Is the poor fellow groping for his cigarette on the floor? Having a heart attack? Maybe a really bad case of cramps? No, he’s talking on his cell phone! But apparently, the phone’s battery was dead and so the phone was plugged into the car charger. He was hunched over because the cord wasn’t long enough!

Sadly, my greatest fear in life is probably true,  I’ll bet all of these people vote!

I’ve witnessed students in school hallways walking into walls while texting on their cell phones. These same people insist that they can do this while driving. Well yeah, it’s true ... they can in fact run into walls while driving and texting!

Studies have proven that hands-free talking on a cell phone while driving increases the risk of having an accident, but holding your hand up to your ear increases it far more.

This distracted one-armed driving while weaving through traffic must stuff yet another 10 pounds of stupid into one’s head.

It wouldn’t surprise me to find out that these people also cradle hot cups of coffee between their legs at the same time.

But this is only the tip of the stupidity iceberg. More and more people type text messages while driving. A recent study found that texting while driving increases the risk of an accident by 23 times!

Manually dialing a number increases it by a factor of four.

Put another way, talking while holding a cell phone to one’s ear is roughly equivalent to having a blood alcohol level of .08 percent, the legal limit of impairment.

Texting while driving is equivalent to being smashed out of your mind!

And there’s yet another perspective not yet studied. A guy in a car was screaming, pounding his dashboard, spit lathering the inside of his windshield. From a distance, I could see the veins popping out of his temples, his face a bright red. He was absolutely furious with someone — yes — over his cell phone!

Now this might be a whole new area for psychologists to study. Road rage is a well understood phenomenon, but what is this? Cellular rage?

Can you hear me now? Yeah? Well, &%$#*@%!!!

Let me say that I’m sorry if anyone is offended by today’s column because they do hold their cell phone to their ear while driving, or because they do text while driving.

Yes, I’m sorry that you’re raising my insurance rates! If I can’t convince you to stop doing that, at least do me one favor. Don’t vote!