Gag Gag me with a spoon

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By John Pawlak

Civilization is doomed. We don’t have a prayer. Let’s just pack it up, give the planet back to the jellyfish and trilobites, and admit that the human race is headed for a sad and dismal end.
Yeah, I know. An apocalyptic aphorism might not be the best way to start a column. But sometimes you just want to get to the punch line.
Our children are growing up in a world that praises the putrid and idolizes the idiots. We worship the worthless, value the vulgar, deify the disgusting, and exalt the egregious.
But with so many vile incarnations of mildewed dishrags in our society, you’d be hard pressed to guess which one I’m talking about.
OK. It’s “Lady Repulsive” that’s gnawing at my brain this week. In just a few years, this fungal specimen of biological waste has become one of the top paid entertainers in the world.
Her earnings this year are expected to exceed $100 million. To truly appreciate this perverted plasmodium, consider the fact that if I quoted the lyrics in her songs, the editor wouldn’t print my column.
She attended a Mets game clad in metal studded underwear; French-soup kissed her female consort, and then flipped a paired set of rigid birds to the photographers.  And people loved it! Her fans complimented her on her “brave expression of individualism and counter imagery of airy noir elegance.” (That’s another way of saying that they love watching a semi-nude profane sociopath swear in public.)
At the 2010 Music Video Awards, she showed up dressed in rotting meat. The audience “ate it up,” applauding the metaphorical statement of her own feminine appeal.   
As I said, we’re doomed.
The abyss of society’s moral decline can be summarized by Lady Gag Gag’s evolution. Prior to becoming the Queen of Slime, she was the prim and proper Stefani Germanotta, a very talented young girl who at the age of 13 had already written her first piano composition.
While enrolled in the Tisch School of the Arts, she demonstrated a real aptitude for classical piano.
You can watch videos of her on YouTube as a 19-year-old rising star competing at a talent show at NYU. Dressed in a silk gown, she played a wonderful melody of her own, truly beautiful.
But talent and dignity don’t make people rich. As the months went by, the brunette hair turned blonde, the clothes peeled away and the lyrics became more and more scatological.
Strutting around like Paris Hilton on methylone, she discovered what people want and was more than willing to sell it.
And so Lady Barf Barf was born. Within a few years, she was a stellar success and as fame and fortune grew, her inhibitions shrunk. In her music video “Telephone,” she promenades in a women’s prison wearing barely anything, does a few things I can’t mention here, and then is released from prison.
From there, she travels to a diner, dresses up like a French waitress, poisons the food and kills everyone in the diner — including a dog. Yes, I can see why she makes so much money.
Can it get any worse? Yeah, actually, it can. She is coming out with her own perfume, a concoction that she says will smell like “an expensive hooker” and will contain molecules of her own blood.
And why stop there? Anyone who is anyone will certainly want her coffee table book. No doubt, a cookbook is also in the making. Perhaps a nice little barbecued slab of beef you can wear to dinner?
And so I say, “Society is doomed.” Hundreds of millions of dollars rolling in, mounting rewards to the vulgarity and putridity of her performance and lyrics.
Our children watch her, adore her and emulate her. Little girls can even buy contact lens to make their eyes looks three times bigger (a video effect used in one of her videos).  
Yes, we’re doomed. But after Lady Upchuck gets done with this planet, would the mesoproterozoic slime molds of the past even want it back?

John Pawlak
Los Alamos columnist