E Pluribus Multi Stulti

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By John Pawlak


In  the United States Constitution, the Founding Fathers took great care with the inclusion and exclusion of various topics. Many aspects of what defines America are explicitly enumerated.

And many other aspects were purposely avoided. For instance, they made no effort whatsoever to define a national language.

Standing on avant-garde political terra firma of the times, these colonial guerrillas forged a joie de vivre mentality that gave birth to a nation. The omission of declaring a national language was, de facto, evidence of their compos mentis and a sense of Realpolitik.

Then again, maybe this exclusion was per se, a faux pas? 

George Washington probably would have said, “C’est la vie!”

These days, addressing this subject requires a commanding social presence to induce people to listen.

After all, the English language is the “real thing.”

It is therefore fitting that the manufacturer of fizzy sugar water would, during the Super Bowl, kick off with this political football.

I’m referring to Coca-Cola’s recent commercial which sang out “America the Beautiful” in multilingual national pride. The commercial featured a tapestry of Americans singing in nine languages; English, Spanish, Tagalog (Filipino), Mandarin, Hindi, Hebrew, Keres (New Mexico Pueblo), Senegalese-French and Arabic.

Celebrating the diverse melting-pot we live in, the commercial proclaimed, “The only thing more beautiful than this country are the people who live here.”

Well, Coca-Cola couldn’t have been more mistaken. Many people who live here are downright repugnant.

Within minutes of its airing, bloggers and tweeters and Facebook postings flooded the Internet, complaining how offended they were by such a “disgraceful unpatriotic display of culturally-supportive liberal garbage.”

Yeah, being culturally supportive is most definitely un-American.

The attacks on the commercial were vile in nature, dripping with explicit racism and rancid intolerance.

Countless postings underscored the mentality (and mental instability) of those who were taken aback by multi-cultural pride in America.

“It’s disgraceful having our National Anthem sung in other languages!”

Uh, America the Beautiful isn’t our National Anthem. Maybe you should first put brain in gear before engaging mouth?

A truly deep thinker posted — “English is the lingua franca of the world! Sing in English or go back where you came from!”

Interesting point, my addle-brained friend. Lingua franca is Italian!

I particularly enjoyed how these passionate aficionados of the English language abused it.

“Coca-Cola, your no longer well come in my house!”

“Coke we speak United States hear in America!”

The pièce de résistance of regressive xenophobia came from a “true patriot” of our language.

“I dunno wat udders speak but I speak English home!”

Hmm, either a little farm humor or just someone with less intelligence than a cow?

Tea baggers revere English as a sanctum sanctorum and now want to boycott Coca Cola. Former Florida Representative Allen West chastised Coca Cola for “balkanizing” America and “lacking the resolve to take a stand for our nation’s culture.”

That’s pretty much the depth of intellect I would expect from a man who equated “religious coexistence” with “the antithesis of freedom and liberty”.

A host of comments accused Coca Cola as being “the official soft drink of terrorists!”

Well, that makes sense. Anyone in this country who speaks Spanish or Hebrew or French is clearly a terrorist!

Oy vey! These prima donnas have a serious case of chutzpah!

So I’ve decided that the only sane response is to stand side by side with these “non-English speaking terrorists” and sing in proud and loud multicultural American tradition.

Ich bin stolz darauf, Amerikaner zu sein! Estoy orgulloso de ser un americano! Sono orgoglioso di essere un americano! Je suis fier d’être américain! Jag är stolt över att vara en amerikan! Rwy’n falch o fod yn America!

Olen ylpeä olla amerikkalainen! Ako ay mapagmataas upang maging isang Amerikano! Jestem dumny z bycia Amerykaninem!

Americans, true Americans, have the courage to stand by their side and sing “I’m proud to be an American!”

I can best sum up by quoting Gerald Stanley Lee (an American Congregational clergyman in the early 1900s) who said, “America is a tune. It must be sung together!”

E Pluribus Multi Stulti (Out of many, many idiots).