Cupid's sweet lament

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Lover's day looms just over the horizon

By John Pawlak

The Chocolate Doo Doo Drop gift bag. Now, I bet you never had anyone start off a conversation by saying that, eh?
A chocolate doo doo drop is an extruded pile of milk chocolate “attractively packaged and nestled on a small pile of green grass” and wrapped in cellophane. The perfect gift for that special friend who gave you that yellow and purple checkered sweater for Christmas.
Of course, if $30 a pound for “extruded” chocolate is a bit more than you want to spend, there are other organic options.
H. Mencken said, “No one ever went broke underestimating the intelligence of the American people.”
My tendency to give people credit for neural activity has always held me back from the fortunes that others make.
Consider Botox. I remember when I first heard about this stuff. Come on, ladies!  Injecting your face with a dangerous toxin (botulinum, which can cause botulism) to smooth those wrinkles?
The guys who invested in toxifying women’s faces were the smart ones. It just never occurred to me that anyone would pay to put their face into a coma.
But what I wanted to talk about today was candy, not Botox. If someone out there claimed that stuffing milk chocolate into your ears would make your teeth brighter, I’m sure someone would buy it.
You know, I just happen to have some chocolate chips left over from the holidays.  Any takers?
Before I start ranting (if indeed I ever stop), I should admit that as a child, I did buy “bloody” wax vampire teeth and candy cigarettes.
Candy manufacturers have never shied away from the obscene if it helps to make a buck. After the first Harry Potter film came out, booger and ear wax flavored jelly beans (Bertie Botts) did in fact appear on the market.  
 Of course, we’ve always had to deal with artificial grape flavored beans, so maybe this isn’t so far off the edge.
But it is getting pretty disgusting out there. Black lung candy cigarettes. Gummy body parts.  Chocolate earth worms.  Not bad enough?  How about some nice sugary toxic waste, served in its own little toxic tub?  Or a hypodermic needle candy (you squirt it into your mouth).
No, I’m not making this stuff up.  I don’t have that much imagination.  Besides, what type of imagination does it take to make “sour flush” candy, a little plastic toilet with sweet purple “something” in it that you dip a little plunger into and eat.
Candy toe jam. Gummy eyeballs. Gorilla boogers. How about a plastic ear with candy ear wax you scoop out?  Or candy zits that you stick to your face, pop them, and enjoy the ooze.
How about a lemon flavored yellow liquid in a specimen cup? You can even get a jelly heart that you fill up with candy blood and then bite to bleed it.
Candy worms in a little plastic coffin. A life size gummy rodent. Scorpion pops.  Chocolate covered crickets. A candy arm wound you can lick.
Perhaps the best (or the worst?) is the slime filled plastic nose you wear and slurp on the drippings into your mouth. We live in a world that is truly innovative, don’t we? (If you find all this unbelievable, search the Internet.)
So what got me thinking about caustic confections, sordid sweets, nauseating nectars?  Well, it just so happens that the “big candy day” is coming up soon. Yeah, Valentine’s Day. And what better gift to give than a box of waxy chocolates that have been sitting in a warehouse for the past six months?
Americans really do love chocolate (actually, they probably love the paraffin - read the ingredients!)
Nationwide, we will purchase nearly 60 million pounds of chocolate as lover’s day approaches. But why settle for imitation flavors?  Open that wallet and get your honey some quality chocolate this year!
Quality, not quantity, should help Cupid’s arrow find its mark.
Of course, you can always settle for Chinese melamine flavored chocolate-colored goo. Bertie Botts and Botox are sounding better all the time!

John Pawlak
Los Alamos columnist