Christmas, NFL style

Me and the Big Guy in Red are on real good terms.

You know, I've managed to stay on the nice list for at least a couple of years. I leave reindeer food on my roof so Rudolph has something to snack on (yes, just Rudolph…Dasher and Dancer know what they did). Before going to bed, I put out the fire in the fireplace before Mr. C becomes Mr. BBQ.

I called Chris the other day, at no small expense, to find out what kind of presents some NFL folks can expect this year. Chris is generally more forgiving than I am, as I thought most of these guys would be getting lumps of coal. Instead, he's got a little something special to stuff in their (in most cases) stockings:

James Harrison

A gift card to his local Hallmark store so he can pick up a few sympathy cards. For himself.

Todd Haley

A Gillette Glide razor. Now that he's officially out of a job, he should probably stop looking lke a panhandler.

Carson Palmer

A framed photo of him and Chad Ochocinco so he can look fondly on the "good ol' days" before he signed with the Raiders.

DeSean Jackson

A get-well bouquet for his ego. Even something that big can take a share of bruises.

Andy Reid

Ditto.

Marion Barber

A Garmin GPS so he can avoid the sidelines during critical situations.

Andrew Luck

A fully licensed "No. 1" Indianapolis Colts jersey. Also, a clipboard so he practice carrying it for at least the next three years.

Blaine Gabbert

The Tampa Bay defense to play against every week.

Jason Garrett

A vacation. Santa's worried Garrett's stressed out working under Jerry Jones and figures he needs "time out." Also, an instruction booklet on how to use a "time out."