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Biting the bullet

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By John Pawlak

 

I’ve been accused of being rude and insulting to the NRA, unwilling to accept their arguments as to why it makes good sense to carry defensive firearms in public.

Well, this will shock my target audience dead center, but I now admit that the NRA was right and I was wrong! I had thought their arguments were all hollow points, but I’ve come around to understanding the wisdom of these straight shooters.

So first things first, let me apologize for jumping the gun and having written horrible things about the NRA and its members. Had I realized how intelligent they actually are, I would have wholeheartedly supported their patriotic cause.

Look, life is full of real dangers and only the foolish venture outside unprepared for the worst. Just yesterday in Starbucks, I found myself face to face with an extremely intimidating Frappuccino. And not just your usual icy threat. This bad boy was a mocha cookie crumble topped with Expresso-infused whipped cream and caramel ribbon crunch.

Having an AK-47 locked and loaded is just good common sense in a situation like that!

And if you really want that Big Mac your way, strutting a bigger Mac-10 pistol is the best strategy.

As a teacher, I’d enjoy immediate gains from open carry laws. Students wouldn’t turn in homework late if I were packing a “You Only Live Twice” style Walther PPK 7.65mm handgun.

Pawlak ... John Pawlak.

Even the singles scene would benefit. On that first date, it’s always difficult to find a clever ice-breaking line to move things in the right direction. But carry-anywhere laws make this easy — “Is that a Desert Eagle 50 Caliber pistol in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?”

And guys, packing a 13-round 40-caliber Glock 23 in a groin holster puts a whole new spin on Al Pacino’s line, “Say hello to my little friend!”

Still, there’s a bullet list of problems to solve. When answering nature’s call, where do you put your sawed-off shotgun? Forward thinking establishments should provide “Racks for Remingtons” in the Loo!

And when flying from one carry-anywhere state to another, don’t you feel like going ballistic when you have to pay extra because your belt-fed M240G machine gun doesn’t fit in the overhead?

Let’s admit it. We’ve all wanted to carry a Sig556 when hazarding the dangerous aisles of Kmart. And sporting a Panther Arms AP4 LR-308 comes in particularly handy fighting off shoppers on Black Friday. The short carbine barrel provides wonderful crowd maneuverability and with a bayonet attached, your chances of bagging that Princess Dream Dollhouse for your daughter increase dramatically. 

Merry Christmas, sweetie! Sorry about the blood stains.

Of course, being prepared for life’s everyday dangers can sometimes trip us up. The other day at the supermarket, an item scanned incorrectly. I explained that the price was wrong, but the clerk disagreed.

So I stood with arms akimbo, exposing my Ruger SR40 under my vest to “holster bolster” my argument. The clerk responded, casually pushing back his apron, showing a Beretta PX4 with extended clip and laser sight.

Suddenly, the man standing behind me, wearing a DPMS Tactical rifle with 30-round clip strapped over his shoulder, started complaining that the line was moving too slowly.

A grizzled grandmother wagged a 380 ACP at him, “Young man, you should learn to be more patient!”

The bagger chimed in, tapping his ported barrel Taurus 357 against his chest and telling everyone to shut up!

Then the store manager sauntered over, fingering the trigger on his military surplus Soviet ROKS-2 flamethrower, and politely asked everyone to calm down.

As shoppers from the other lines began to unclick their safeties, it looked like things would go off half-cocked, but then I shouted, “1871! Go NRA!” and the crowd erupted in a salvo of cheers! Admittedly, we did a bit of damage to the ceiling during our communal “jump up and down and wave your firearms around and shoot in the air” fest, but it was all in good clean and safe fun.

You know, I feel more intelligent already!

Now, where’s my TEC-9 semiautomatic? I need to go buy some milk.