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Ask Alex: Snakes’ mystery revealed

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By Alexander Castillo

Editor’s note: In an effort to answer questions that have nagged mankind for eons, Teen Pulse staffer, Alexander Castillo has volunteered to proffer up some answers.

After spending some time on the Google and the Yahoos while at the same time Binging this question to heck, I have discovered the answer. Would you like to know the answer? Of course you would. This is a question God barely knows the answer to.
He told the snakes to be, and they were. They had to figure out how drain their bodily fluids all on their own. Needless to say, these snakes were hesitant to divulge their methods of waste expulsion. This only makes sense though. No one likes to be questioned about their bathroom habits.
Also snakes can’t talk. Though I hardly think anyone volunteered to be the one to grab a long slithering fanged poisonous creature and search for a relief orifice.
Someone did volunteer though. They got their masters in finding these tender regions on snakes. In reality Herpetologists study all parts of snakes and all reptiles.
I had my money on the profession being called “snakology” but apparently Wikipedia believes “Herpetology” is the correct term. Anesthesiology is the practice of anesthesia, psychology is the study of the human psyche, and herpetology is most certainly not the study of “herps”. Don’t ask me. One difficult question to answer is enough for today.
All reptiles and birds, including snakes, have a single opening call the vent or cloaca where all waste is excreted together. Can you imagine excreting both solid and liquid wastes from the same outlet?
I suppose that does happen on occasion but only after a very unfortunate visit to certain fast food restaurant in Española. However, snakes do not actually pee like humans.
That does seem somewhat obvious. Of course a snake can’t stand up and close one eye to see if they can make it in the bowl with no depth perception. But in fact, snakes only excrete uric acid.
Excreting uric acid is more efficient than urinating because less water is wasted when excreting wastes. Both ugly and efficient, snakes are like the Prius of nature.

Send your questions to Alexander at teenpulse@lamonitor.com. Those that are chosen will be answered in this column.