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And this is news, because?

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By John Pawlak

Prince What’s His Face and Duchess Kiss My Ring are the proud parents of a new little baby I really don’t care. And for some reason, we’re all supposed to be excited about this?
 OK, first of all, didn’t we kick royalty out of this country a couple hundred years ago? What’s the big excitement that the world is “blessed” with another inbred idiot?
 After winning our independence, we did not declare George Washington as “King.” Well actually, we couldn’t. His family tree looked like a tree, not a circle.
 What is the fascination some people have with these silk adorned clowns with bad taste in clothing?
 Dukes, earls, barons and baronesses, count and countesses, lords and ladies, viscounts, kings, queens, jacks, aces, full houses, empty heads.
 I presume Lord Voldemort was ranked somewhere between an earl and a viscount. Would death eaters really follow someone called “The Duke of Must Not Be Named?”
 For a short period of time, England did get it right. The Brits overthrew the crown in 1649 and executed their monarch, Charles I.
 The story of royalty in England would have ended on a high note, but in 1660 they reinstated the monarchy and put Charles II on the thrown.
 Charles II returned the favor by dissolving the Parliament in 1680, and ruled unfettered by legislative nuisances until his death.
 It’s good to be King, eh?
Royalty is a very strange concept. I wear a crown. That’s my job. Your job is to adore my crown, adore me, adore my children, and throw your coat over a puddle of water if I happen to be walking by.
Maybe that’s why I always liked playing chess. It was so much fun letting my king get whacked by a pawn. Gee, was I supposed to protect him?
Sadly, Americans aren’t much smarter than Brits when it comes to royalty.
We have our fair share of morons who idolize movie stars, sport celebrities, rock singers, television evangelists, and sometimes even a politician.
In the sequel, “The Seventh Sense,” where the world is haunted by worshipers of royalty, Haley Joel Osment will whisper to Bruce Willis — “I see stupid people. And they don’t know they’re stupid.”
Rather than wasting time talking about mindless babble like who gets the privilege of burping the royal spawn, let’s take a quick look at equally “important” news around the world.
He’s not King George, but rather George King, a newborn in Gloucestershire, England, weighing in at 15 pounds 7 ounces. Even more astonishing, he was not a Caesarian delivery!
Right up there in quality next to discussing royal seedlings is the heartbreaking news that Honey Boo Boo is retiring from the beauty pageant circuit. She’s too busy working on her dysfunctional family show.
Here’s another mouth gaping surprise for American news addicts. The U.S. Navy has announced that Quaker Oats’ Captain Crunch is a fraud. His uniform on the cereal box depicts the stripes of a commander, and he’s never served in the Navy!
In other “fascinating” news, a 64-year old Australian man was arrested after carjacking a woman’s vehicle. The police were able to catch him at the scene of the crime because he was still there trying to get his walker into the back seat.
For those people who seek divine appearances in burnt enchilada pans and moldy shower curtains, Leicestershire, England made the news last May. A Hindu caterer found an eggplant resembling the elephant-headed Lord Ganesha. He doesn’t get as many worshipers as one might get for a grilled cheese with the Virgin Mary on it though.
Speaking of gods, Crystal McVea, an Oklahoman resident recently authored a book detailing her near-death experience in which she claims she was “so close to god that she could smell him.”
So, it’s nice to know that royalty isn’t the only stupid news in the world.
And if worse comes to worst and they stop airing news about how many royal diapers are being used at Buckingham, we can always count on Honey Boo Boo to keep America in the forefront of the great void of brain activity.