America’s deep fried arteries

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By John Pawlak

I recently read an article citing a study which claimed that obesity isn’t caused by food, but is in fact the result of endocrine disruptors run amok.  

I never was very good at biology, but I do appreciate food science.  Manic metabolic endocrine disruptors lacing our bodies with layers of supersized love handles? I love it when medical experts give me an excuse to suck down another slice of cheesecake.

Have you noticed how mayonnaise jars now come with extra wide openings? Rather than mixing the mayonnaise to make a dip, I think the idea is that you can just open up the jar and dunk in your pork rinds. Of course, before doing that, you’ll probably want to snack on some buttered bacon or maybe just chew on a slab of lard.

If you listen, you can actually hear the snap, crackle and pop of America’s arteries.

People wonder why America is getting fatter. Researchers are investigating the complex interactions between the pancreas, hypothalamus, adrenal glands, thyroid and pituitary gland with our digestive tract to determine what contributes to obesity.  

As for me, it just might have something to do with those modest occasional snacks I allow myself. You know, like a small bowl of tapioca pudding, a discreet handful of pretzels, a few dozen chocolate chip cookies, or maybe that 40 pound bag of Cheetos I polished off last night.

Eating has become an Olympic event and only health nuts are satisfied with the silver or bronze.  

Pie eating contests are a thing of the past.  Today, Big Macs are an appetizer and candy bars are used for decoration on top of cakes.

Consider the following incredible inedibles which you can find at county fairs, pubs, diners and in hospital waste pans after stomach pumpings.

Let’s start off with a common favorite, deep fried Snickers bars.  I used to think funnel cakes were greasy and caloric, but deep-fried has become a gustatory art form.  

You can now get deep-fried Oreos, deep-fried Twinkies and deep-fried Cadbury Creme Eggs. Want some protein?  Then munch into a deep-fried bacon-wrapped sausage or some deep-fried bacon crusted pork rinds (served with bacon mayonnaise).  Then treat yourself to dessert ... deep-fried Velveeta fudge squares.

Shhh!  Listen!  (crack ... snap ... crack).

Tired of aristocratic foods like Glace Au Four (Baked Alaska)?  Well sit down with the rest of the crowd and enjoy the real thing, deep-fried Coca-Cola. You can even get deep-fried pickles, deep-fried cheesecake and deep-fried butter.

Yeah, you read that right. Deep-fried butter.  I was thinking that this would go well with deep-fried waffles and some deep-fried maple syrup.

How bad can this fascination with caloric cibation get?  It’s a challenge to think that anything could be worse than pancakes layered between peanut butter and bacon and topped with maple syrup, but hey, America loves a challenge and what better gastronomic weapon to wield in the war against free blood flow than bacon?

Diners now offer chicken-fried-bacon (the coating prevents the bacon from losing all that wonderful fat). You can purchase bacon-flavored vodka, bacon-flavored donuts and even a nice hot cup of maple-bacon latte with some chocolate covered bacon on the side. There’s bacon ice-cream, bacon cereal, bacon lollipops, chocolate covered bacon, bacon-chip cookies ... and for that fat-laden business meeting, you can purchase a bacon Bloody Mary.  

Afraid that all that bacon might give you baconhalitosis?  On the contrary!  Bacon breath is just the thing and if you don’t get enough bacon, you can always pop one of Uncle Oinker’s “savory” bacon-flavored breath mints.

But wait!  The King of Killer Kitchen Katastrophies presents the Krispy Kreme bacon cheddar burger! With a Krispy Kreme donut in place of the bun, a healthy spread of baconnaise and some bacon-flavored cheddar melted over a bacon-infused burger (with slabs of bacon on it), we have the ultimate in cardiac arrest du jour.

It’s not all bad news though. An enterprising individual could make some real money off of America’s love affair with fat.  You just might start seeing commercials for “Deep-fried Pepto Bismol” or “Bacon encrusted Tums.”